


ghost of you (don't slip away from me)

by Charante_Leclerc



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, I'm really sorry, M/M, happyish ending, this is super angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 10:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18737119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charante_Leclerc/pseuds/Charante_Leclerc
Summary: When you lose the most important person in your life, how can you even start to live again?





	ghost of you (don't slip away from me)

“I wish we could spend more than a day together.” Dan moaned, watching Jev pull on pants and a t-shirt. “Take your shirt off again.”

“So you can stare at me more?” Jev smirked. “You already do that.”

“But the view just gets even better.” Dan whined, falling back against the bed. “Especially when you’re naked. And even more especially when you’re naked in my bed.”

Jev snickered, pulling on his jeans, tugging them up. “You’ll just have to keep waiting until I can come over again. Anyway, you’re going to be busy, you’ll barely even notice I’m not actually here.”

Dan pouted. “Yes I will.”

“No you won’t.” Jev sat down, putting his shoes on and tying them up, shaking his head. “Plus, I’m only a text away. We don’t have the time for serious, remember.”

Dan groaned, rolling over so he could shove his head in the pillow. He was regretting their agreement in this moment, but he knew why they’d said it. Jev was right, neither of them had the time for an actual relationship. They barely had time for whatever this was. Friends with sporadic benefits? Fuck-once-a-month buddies?

That was pretty depressing, to be honest.

It wasn’t that they didn’t want to date each other. They both did, and they’d both laid it out bare one night, after one too many retirements for Jev and too many pints for both of them. But the lives they led were busy, and difficult, and they were barely ever in the same place, or even the same country. What they had now was easy, and uncommitted, and it worked. What was the point trying to push for too much, and making the situation worse?

“Fine. But you totally owe me.” Dan turned to watch Jev stand, not admiring the way his back moved. Absolutely not. “I’ll think of how you can make it up to me.”

Jev grinned, leaning down to give Dan a slow kiss. Dan smiled into it, allowing himself to pretend for just a second. “I look forward to it.” Jev whispered, moving away. “I’ll see you in a week.”

“See ya.” Dan answered, only letting himself curl back under the covers when he heard the front door shut, trying not to miss the warmth that was suddenly gone. 

 

~*~

 

He woke up with a start, blinking in the sunlight. He must’ve fallen asleep again, his duvet was tucked up around him tightly. He groaned, hearing his phone ringing next to him, screen lighting up. That must have been what woken him up, and Dan just stared at his phone, brain struggling to work. The phone fell silent, and Dan could already feel his eyes falling shut again before his phone started ringing again, blinking at him. Dan groaned, managing to extract an arm from his cocoon, grabbing his phone and answering, bringing it to his ear. “Hey, what’s up?”

_ “Dan, I’m so sorry, I’ve been trying to get hold of you, I’m heading over there now, just hold on okay?” _ Mark’s familiar voice was in his ear, and boy, he sounded wrecked.  _ “Just breathe, okay? I’m coming.” _

“What on… the fuck, man?” Dan groaned. “I was sleeping, what are you talking about?”

_ “You haven’t heard?”  _ Mark sounded odd, voice wavering.  _ “Dan, I… just check your messages.” _

Dan rolled his eyes, taking his phone away from his ear, turning it on to speakerphone. “You sound like the world just ended, what happened?”

_ “Just check your messages.”  _ Mark said again quietly. Dan blinked, focusing on his screen. He had about bazillion texts, what  _ had _ happened? He hadn’t had this many texts even when he’d gotten the drive at Red Bull, it was a crazy amount. He opened them up, and most of them were along the lines of  _ so sorry, is there anything I can do, just hold on _ . 

“Mark?” Dan was started to get worried. “What happened? Did I get fired or something?”

_ “Dan…” _ Mark started, taking a deep breath. He sounded choked.  _ “Dan, Jev… he’s… he was in an accident, there was nothing they could do…” _

“No, what are you saying?” There was terror gripping his heart, a tight fist squeezing. “ _ What are you saying _ ?!”

_ “He’s dead Dan.” _ Mark said, and suddenly Dan couldn’t hear, he couldn’t feel the phone gripped tight in his hand. 

He didn’t hear Mark calling his name, getting more panicked the longer that Dan didn’t answer. He didn’t hear his phone buzzing as more texts flooded his phone with messages of sympathy for a man that they didn’t even know. He didn’t hear Mark coming into his apartment, holding them as he stared at the wall in front of him, still gripping his phone in his hand. Mark was saying something to him, he was probably saying a lot of words, but he didn’t register a sound. All he could hear was white noise, his own heart thudding in his ears. He couldn’t even think. It sounded like Mark had said  _ ‘he’s dead’ _ . As in Jev. That Jev was dead.

Which was impossible. This had to be one of those morbid pranks. Was it April Fools Day? He wasn’t sure. He tried to think, but all he could do was stare at the wall. Mark was holding him, shaking him a little, and then there were hands on his face, turning his head so that Dan was looking at Mark, looking at that too-pale face and those pained eyes. Mark wasn’t a great actor, but he was surely pulling this one off.

“Dan, Dan, I need you to say something, mate.” Mark tried desperately, hands still on Dan’s face. Dan shook his head.

“No. No, you’re wrong.” Was all he could manage, his throat barely managing to get the words out. “No.”

“I’m so sorry Dan, they said it was an accident, a car was coming to fast, they tried everything -”

_ “No.” _ Dan said again, more forcefully. “You’re  _ wrong _ . Don’t fucking lie to me, you’re  _ wrong _ .”

“Dan, I’m sorry.” Mark took his hands away, trying to stop them shaking. “Dan, I’m so sorry.”

Dan shook his head, still not believing. It couldn’t be true. Jev had been here, in this room, only hours ago. They’d been lying in this bed, and they’d been talking, and joking, and making promises, and talking about things in the future. Jev had to be here for all that, he wouldn’t just  _ not be _ . It wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be possible. It  _ couldn’t _ be possible. 

“I’m going to the hospital.” Dan said, not really recognising his own voice. He didn’t want to say more, he didn’t trust himself. He needed to get to the hospital, to prove to himself that all of this was just a bad joke, that maybe there was no accident. Or if there had been, Jev would be sitting in a hospital bed, flirting with every nurse in sight. 

Mark was nodding. “I… okay. It might be good, y’know -” 

“I need to go.” Dan repeated, getting out of bed and getting dressed on autopilot, just picking up the nearest clothes possible. “I need to talk to him, this is a sick joke.”

Mark just stared at him, a terrifyingly sad look on his face. Dan wasn’t going to get stuck on that, he couldn’t. He’d give him hell later, for putting him through this. Friends don’t do this to friends,  _ fuck that _ . No-one does this to anyone, who thought this would be funny?

 

~*~

 

He didn’t remember the ride to the hospital, no matter how much he tried to later. The memory was nothing more than a blur of buildings, grey and indistinct from each other. He couldn’t remember walking through the hospital, other than the fact that he’d focused on putting one foot in front of the other. He didn’t remember anything until he ended up outside a waiting room, and inside he could see Jev’s parents, broken and stricken and looking like their world had just been ripped out from underneath them. He stepped back, and continued until his back hit a wall, and he sunk to the ground, the air in his lungs being ripped from him. Was this… was it real? They weren’t lying, or joking? Jev’s parents, they looked…

“I’m sorry.” Mark said quietly, sitting down next to him. Dan shook his head again, trying to stop himself from doing so with shaking hands. 

“No, this can’t… this can’t be happening, I only saw him this morning.” Dan whispered. “I only saw him this morning.” He looked down, and in some part of his mind he registered that he wasn’t wearing one of his shirts, it was too tight. He recognised it though, he’d seen it recently. It’d been on his floor.

“I’m wearing his shirt.” He said dumbly, pulling at it. “I’m wearing his shirt. Why am I wearing his shirt?”

“Dan…”

“No, no, this is his. I have to give it to him, we had plans, he wouldn’t -” Dan stopped, taking a choked breath. “He wouldn’t,  _ he wouldn’t,  _ I need to give him his shirt -”

Mark was holding him, making comforting noises, holding him as he struggled to breathe. This couldn’t… this couldn’t be happening, this couldn’t be happening to Jev, to him. Things like this didn’t happen, they didn’t happen in real life. They lived dangerous lives, but they didn’t die. They were invincible, Jev was going to come round the corner any second now.

“Dan?” An accented voice came from above him, and Jev’s parents were standing there, clutching at each other. Dan stared at them, unable to say anything. They seemed to understand, and Mark helped him to his feet. “Would you like to stay?”

“I’m not…” Dan tried, choking up. “I’m not…”

“You’re a part of our family.” Jev’s mum’s voice cracked on the last word, and she clutched at Dan’s hand. “Please.”

Dan nodded. He didn’t see Mark disappear, but he couldn’t focus on that. He couldn’t focus on anything. They sat there, silently holding each other, not sure of how many hours had passed. The doctor appeared at some point, and Jev’s parents stood, walking to the door. “Daniel?”

Dan took a deep breath, following them. They trailed after the doctor, following twists and turns, eventually stopping outside a door.  _ Morgue _ . Dan felt his chest tighten, his stomach sick. He followed them numbly in, in a daze. He was still expecting Jev to sit up, to pretend that this was just a demented prank. Maybe it was a dream. A nightmare.

Except Jev was just lying there, unnaturally still. His skin was ghostly white, except for the scratches on his body that were new since the last time they’d talked.  _ Only this morning _ . Dan couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. He wanted to run, to pretend that none of this was happening, but that was  _ Jev _ . He couldn’t just leave, he couldn’t leave him. Jev wouldn’t, he wouldn’t do that.

Jev wouldn’t do anything anymore.

A sob ripped out of him, and he still stayed rooted to the spot, torn between holding on and fleeing, and wanting to do nothing more than turn back the clock and beg Jev harder to stay. If he’d only tried a little bit harder. 

He took a small, unsteady step forward, and he crumpled to the floor, uncaring. He needed to wake up, please let him wake up. 

He screamed.

 

~*~

 

His flat had turned into a carousel of visitors, it was never quiet. He just wanted to curl into a corner, to listen to the silence, but it just wasn’t possible. It was like every person he’d ever come into contact with wanting to come and check if he was okay, they all wanted to talk. They all wanted to talk about Jev, and right now, that was the last thing he wanted to do. Everytime he heard his name, his heart was ripped open again, never allowed to start healing. Everyone wanted to share memories, and it was laughable. They were making him into this martyr, this stoic saint that put up with him.  _ Fuck _ , they made him sound boring. Like he was already committed to the history books, like he wasn’t a real person. They talked about him like he’d been dead decades, not realising they were sitting in the ghosts of him. 

Dan looked over to the kitchen, not listening to Nico talking. It was the same stuff being repeated over and over, he didn’t need to listen. He didn’t even need to pretend to listen, everyone thought they understood.  _ Best friends _ , they said in undertones to each other,  _ grew up together. It’s a shock _ .

They didn’t understand, but he wasn’t about to correct them. He could see memories playing out in his mind. Jev making breakfast in his kitchen on a rare morning together, hair sticking up on end. Jev sitting on this very sofa, stretched out like he belonged there. Jev and him in the shower, being pressed up against the wall. Jev in his bed, warm and  _ there _ . This place was full of him, and no-one even realised it.

“I’m going to go.” Nico leaned forward, touching Dan’s knee. “I’ll see you at the funeral?”

Dan nodded, not bothering to show Nico out. He could figure it out himself. Nico nodded, standing up. “We’re all here for you, Dan. I know it’s hard -”

“No you don’t.” Dan’s voice was hoarse and scratchy. He gave a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “You don’t know it’s hard.”

“He was our friend too.”

“Was he?” Dan shot back. “Can you really say that? Did you talk to him away from the track? Did you know his favourite colour? Favourite drink? What he liked to do, favourite game? Did you know anything about him at all?”

“Just because I didn’t know him as well as you -”

“You didn’t know him at all.” Dan spat. “You’ve just spent however long telling me he was a great person, the strong silent type, great sense of right and wrong. He was a little  _ shit _ , and he knew it. He had a dirty sense of humour, and he liked to be annoying, he liked to be  _ human _ . Don’t martyr him to me. You don’t know  _ anything  _ about him, you don’t get to talk about him like that!” Dan started to shout, shaking. “Get out!”

“Dan, I -”

_ “Get out!” _ Dan yelled, throwing a pillow at Nico. Nico took the hint, taking off quickly. The door slammed, and Dan was left in pure silence, almost deafening. He took a deep breath, running a hand over his face. He couldn’t lose control like that. He fell backwards, turning his head so he could see out the window, across the bay. It’d been the view that’d convinced him to buy this place. He didn’t really care much for how the apartment looked, knowing full well it’d only ever be a pitstop for him. But the view had taken his breath away. Jev had come with him to look at the place, and there had been a whisper in his ear, ‘ _ if you buy this place I’ll let you fuck me in front of that window’ _ .

Dan had bought the place that very day. And Jev had made good on his promise.

It was all he could see when he looked out now, Jev spread out across his carpet as the sun went down, bathing him in gold. He’d looked like a god beneath him, flawless yet wrecked.

“I’m sorry.” Dan whispered, reaching down to touch the carpet, tears falling. “I’m sorry.”

 

~*~

 

The funeral was full, packed full of drivers and officials, friends and family. Dan tugged at his tie, wishing he could just run out of here, not return after it was all done and say goodbye then. But the world’s media was here, watching like it was some reality show, not people’s lives. And Jev’s mum was gripping onto him, hand like a vice. Maybe she needed to know he was here, or she knew that he wanted to leave. Letting her down would be letting him down. 

It carried on too long, the priest talking on about how to live life to the full, taking life to the limit. Whatever bullshit he could come up with, Dan doubted he was used to such an interest in his sermons. Making his moment count. None of this meant anything, it wasn’t relevant. They were only here for the spectacle. This funeral needed to be presented the right way, there was nothing of Jev actually here. Nothing to represented  _ him _ . 

“...our next speaker, Daniel Ricciardo.” The priest said in heavily accented English, gesturing at him. Dan sighed, standing. He fidgeted with his jacket, climbing into the pulpit. Everyone was staring at him, he could feel the hysteria building. He’d spent the last few years in front of the camera, but nothing prepared him for this. 

“I knew Jean-Eric - Jev - for years.” He started, focusing on a spot of free wall at the back, unable to look at anyone. “We grew up together. I remember this lanky teenager coming up to me, making some horribly inappropriate comment, I can’t even remember what it was now, but I can remember thinking  _ ‘I like this guy’ _ . We did everything together, he was with me every step of my life, ready to support me. He was always the first one to congratulate me, but also the first to stop me if I was being an idiot. He had this look, and he’d just raise his eyebrow at me, and it was enough to make me stop and think,  _ Dan, you’re being an idiot _ . 

“But he was more than just that. He made terrible jokes, truly terrible jokes. He’d make them all dramatic, and his determination to pull it off was the only thing that made it funny. He once almost broke his arm falling from the handlebars of a vespa, and I still say that it’s not my fault he couldn’t hang on. He was almost always late to the track because he’d spent too much time eating breakfast. He’d only drink wine once he was really drunk. He owns at least twenty scarves by now. Sorry.” Dan stopped, taking a sharp breath. “Owned. He owned them. But he was more than just a racing driver, more than just a footnote in some story. He was my best friend, he was my story, and I loved him for that.” Dan brushed a tear aside, giving a small laugh. “It’s strange it feels so easy to say now, to hundreds of people, when I could never say it to him.” Dan shook his head, unable to stop the tears now. “Just don’t remember him as this perfect hero who never got his real chance. He wasn’t perfect, but he was real. He was real to me, he was real to all of us.”

He clambered down the steps, rushing back to his seat. He could feel the cameras following him, and he’s suddenly glad he’s at the front, so no-one can see him cry. Jev’s mum grips his hand, and he squeezes back. 

“He knew.” She whispered, and  _ fuck _ , if that isn’t something to hold onto.

 

~*~

 

“Red Bull gave me a pass, they told me not not to come to Canada.” Dan said quietly, sitting on the grass. It’d been a week since the funeral, and Red Bull had called him a few days ago, telling him they weren’t expecting him in Canada, Daniil would fill in for him. He’d vaguely wondered what that meant Toro Rosso were doing that weekend, one driver up at the big team and the other… the other gone, but that wasn’t his concern. He’d been to the grave everyday so far, trying to hold on as long as possible, hoping that if he kept talking to Jev like he was here, maybe he’d just walk around the corner, unscathed. “I think they’re less concerned about me though, more that’ll I’ll wreck the car the minute I leave the pits.”

It was peaceful up here, and he could think here. Even his own apartment was feeling constricting, he needed to get out, to breathe. “I still keep on expecting to wake up and see you there. Or when I’m making a coffee, expecting to hear you curse in french and say how it isn’t real coffee. I’m just expecting you to be there. Why are you not there?

“I should’ve made you stay, that morning. I didn’t argue hard enough, or maybe I should’ve gone with you. That way I’d be dead too, I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this. I wouldn’t have to mourn you. I didn’t realise how difficult it actually is to mourn someone. You ripped me apart, by dying, and I can’t even be angry, how can I? You died, and I’m still here. But I could never be angry at you, not really. Not even when you were trying to hurt me, I just didn’t have it in me to be angry at you. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been the one to get under my skin and just be there. You’re a part of me, and now you’re gone, and I still can’t be angry. Because if I get angry, then I’m getting angry at the last part of you I still have. I can’t do that, I can’t lose you.  _ I can’t lose you _ .”

Dan sighed, looking up at the headstone.  _ Jean-Eric Vergne. 25.4.90 - 27.5.14. Beloved son and friend. ‘He drove straight and true’ _ .

“Well, the straight part isn’t completely true.” Dan muttered. “I didn’t tell you, I basically confessed that I was completely in love with you, y’know? At your funeral, in front of everyone. It was really embarrassing. I hadn’t even realised I was going to say it until I was saying it. I don’t know, it felt like the last time I could say it? I should’ve said it to you, I should’ve never agreed to just messing around. I wanted more and I was a coward. I’m sorry.”   


Dan patted the ground, sighing. “Maybe if I say it enough it’ll make up for you being gone.”

 

~*~

 

“You missed the previous race in Canada due to personal reasons, do you feel ready to come back?” A reporter asked, and Dan could already feel the flush rising up his neck. Personal reasons?  _ Personal reasons? _ Jev was just a  _ personal reason? _

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right?” Dan said, tightly. “I thought you just said ‘personal reasons’?”

“Well, we all know that you were good friends with Jean-Eric, and that you needed some extra time to grieve.” The journalist shrugged. “Have you felt like you’ve recovered enough?”

“I wasn’t aware that there was a time limit on getting on after your best friend’s death.” Dan snapped. “What is it, a week of crying, then you just wake up one day and go ‘oh man, I’m not sad anymore’. He wasn’t a goldfish, he wasn’t  _ personal reasons _ .” 

“But…”

“No fucking buts.” Dan stood, tearing off his microphone. “How fucking dare you.” 

He stormed out, ignoring the burst of noise that came out the room. He wanted to scream, he needed to get out of here. He couldn’t keep up the media face anymore, even if everyone kept on expecting him to, well, not be himself this weekend. Or for the next few weekends, probably. Recovered enough, of course he wasn’t recovered enough. 

“Dan, are you okay?” Someone put a hand on his arm, stopping him from walking any further. “What happened?”

“They talked about him like he was nothing.” Dan ground out, fist clenching. “Like he was a chair, or I don’t know, a fucking table. That it’s going to take more a few weeks to get over the fact that my best friend isn’t here anymore, isn’t ever going to be here anymore, I’m never going to see him again. That he’s left a gap in my life that can’t ever be filled.”

Jules nodded, squeezing his arm. “They want to tear you down, even when something like this happens. It isn’t fair, and I don’t blame you for getting angry. Just, at least you weren’t here last week. It was pretty brutal, everyone was on edge. No-one wanted to be here, even the people who didn’t really know Jev. But would he want you to get angry on his behalf?”

“Probably.” Dan muttered. “He probably would.”

“Okay, would he want you to risk your career over him?” Jules asked carefully, giving a small smile when Dan didn’t respond. “I know it’s tough, it’s tough doing this when we have a good weekend, let alone a bad one. Just don’t throw it all away.”

Dan nodded, and Jules walked away, disappearing towards the Marussia pits. He took a deep breath, hiding himself in a corner away from everyone. He slid down the wall, wanting nothing more than to crawl inside of himself, to disappear completely. Maybe he wasn't ready. Maybe he’d never be ready. He’d never minded the media circus that was this life before, he’d known it was part of the job going in. You sacrificed a lot to get to the top of this game, and you continued to sacrifice even once you were here. Corporate sponsors, interviews, photoshoots, appearances. It was a vicious circle, but it allowed him to drive. 

It’d also been part of the reason he’d never asked more of Jev. Between actual work and sponsorship work, they’d barely ever be in the same place. If there had just been less, he might’ve just had more time.

He took another deep breath, steeling himself for the vultures that lay ahead. He could do this, he had to. He  _ had _ to.

 

~*~

 

The intercom buzzed, sharp in the quiet of his apartment. Dan sighed, pushing himself up to get it. There were still too many people turning up uninvited, wanting to see how he was doing, but he was getting better at not ignoring his buzzer. He might not always let them up, but at least he answered.

“Hello?”

_ “Hi, I have a delivery for a Mr Ricciardo?” _ The voice crackled. Dan frowned.

“But I didn’t order anything?” He’s pretty sure he’d remember ordering something. The only gaps in his memory were straight after… well, they were a while ago. If he  _ had _ ordered something, it would’ve turned up by now.

_ “Well I’m still holding the box.” _ The voice sounded bored.  _ “You have to pay to send it back.” _

Dan groaned, resisting the urge to smash his head against the wall. “Fine. Fine, come up.” He muttered, holding the button long enough to let the man enter. He waited where he was, tapping his foot. He heard the door at the end of corridor squeak open, and he wrenched the door open before the guy could reach him. 

“Mr Ricciardo?”

“Yep.” Dan made to grab the box, but the guy pulled it back, pushing a pad into his hands instead.

“Sign first.” The guy said, tapping the pad. Dan stifled a growl, scribbling his signature and thrusting it back, grabbing the box successfully this time. “You’re pretty eager for a package you didn’t want."

“Whatever.” Dan muttered, slamming his door shut with his foot. He put it down on the table, tearing into it. He needed to know what was inside, who would send him something? He pulled it open, tearing into the bubble wrap. He took a sharp breath, almost dropping it. There was a collection of vinyls, all signed, with a note on the front in a familiar script. His hands shook as he put the vinyls back down, picking up the note. As he read it, a sob tore out of him, deep from his chest.

_ Daniel, _

_ I know we agreed to not date, but I found these in a shop one day, and I couldn’t help but buy them for you. I find myself thinking all the time, ‘would Dan like this?’, or ‘I can’t wait to see his stupid face’. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night. You are my world Daniel.  _

_ I thought maybe a grand gesture would make up for me being such an idiot these last few months. Today is a year to the day I realised I was in love with you, it seems like a good place to start. I hope we can. _

_ You have my heart Daniel. Always. _

_ Jean-Eric _

Dan placed the note down, covering his face. He had loved him back,  _ he had _ . Leave it to Jev to overthink everything, to try and make everything perfect. He could be just waking up now, he could be waking up to that face everyday, not realising how close he could’ve come to losing it. 

He screamed, hitting the wall with his fist, not even feeling the pain that shot through his hand. He slammed his fist into the wall again, and again, only stopping when he could almost see through to the other side. He yelled until his throat was raw, pulling at his hair, ignoring the way the blood dripped down his arm. How could he,  _ how could he? _ How could Jev leave him, leave him to deal with the world? Leave him to deal with all this bullshit, and romantic notions, to be unable to say it in person? To live on in a note like it was  _ fine? _

He grabbed a glass that was on the side, flinging it at the wall, watching it break into fragments. He stormed to his cupboard, grabbing out every glass that he could find, throwing them at the wall because he  _ could _ . He kept throwing them, feeling  _ something _ for the first time in weeks, until he went to throw the last one. A mickey mouse face smiled up at him, and he broke all over again, sinking onto the kitchen floor. Memories came flooding back, of him and Jev taking a day off to visit Disneyland, queuing for rides and eating so much sugar they felt sick. He’d almost lost this in his rage. How could he?

He sobbed on the floor, the pain beginning to take hold in his hand. It was dark by the time he pulled himself up, rinsing his hand and arm, picking up the pieces of glass from the floor. He moved mechanically, not looking at the vinyls that still lay on the table, or the note. He picked up glass until the sun started to rise again, and when he finally crawled into bed, he dreamt of nothing.

 

~*~

 

“What would it take for you to come back?” Dan asked the gravestone, wild-eyed. He’d barely slept in the last few days, pushing himself harder and harder. He didn’t want to be stuck in his apartment, with so many ghosts surrounding him. He spent his days training, even when his trainer told him not to, only sleeping when he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. He’d run up to the graveyard this morning, before anyone could tell him it was a bad idea. “I could give you anything. Anything you wanted. Anything any god wanted!” Dan laughed, maniacal. “Even for like a minute. Actually, fuck that. If I saw you again I’d never let go, I don’t think I could handle you leaving for a second time.”

No-one answered him, of course. Why would they? “I got your present by the way.” Dan said, shrugging his shoulders. “I might have even liked it if you were alive. I probably would’ve. Now I can’t even listen to music without thinking of you. Everything I do I’m thinking of you, and it sucks. I just want to go a minute without the breath being sucked from my lungs because I’ve remembered how you looked when you had bad coffee, I want to be able to feel something. I feel nothing. You said I had your heart, well, you had mine.” Dan snapped, trying not to let the tears fall again. “You had my heart and you’ve taken it to the fucking grave. Thanks for that.”

“Daniel?”

Something in him leapt, his heart beating wildly as he turned around. Jules was coming up the path, a polite smile on his face. Jules must have seen his face fall, or seen him scrub at his eyes, cursing himself for even believing for a second, but he was kind enough not to say anything. “Um, hi.”

“Early morning?”

“Late night.” Dan corrected, trying not to focus on the Jules looked concerned. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Jules nodded, sitting down on the other side of the grave. “It’s helpful to come and talk to him sometimes,  _ non? _ Like he can almost answer.”

Dan shrugged, picking at his hoodie. “Suppose. I was just telling him off, to be honest. He’s easier to vent to than a fucking therapist.”

“You blame him.” It wasn’t a question. “For leaving you.”

Dan nodded. “Not like… I’m not angry at him. I’m angry at myself. I should’ve done something.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.” Dan shrugged again. “Survivors guilt. It should be me in the ground instead of him, or… I don’t know, I should’ve fought harder to make him stay. I never really fought for him, I didn’t want to break anything. Didn’t realise how much I wanted it until it was gone.”

“He’s gone Daniel.” Jules’s voice was quiet. “But he’ll still be here as long as you remember him.”

“What if I forget?” Dan whispered. He looked at the gravestone, at the name carved on there. “What if I forget him?”

“I don’t think that is possible.” Jules said. “We’re all just made up of memories. He’s still in there.”

Dan nodded, and they sat in silence, not really looking at anything. Jules was right. Jev might not be here in person, but he knew what he’d say in every situation. He could almost feel him now, sitting next to him, making those jokes of his in his ear. 

Dan smiled.

 

~*~

 

“Dan?” A voice stopped him, someone stepping into his way. “It’s been a while.”   


“Yeah, um, sorry about that.” Dan muttered, shuffling. “Haven’t really been doing much socialising since, y’know.”

Jenson nodded, clapping him on the arm. He just about stopped himself from wincing. “It’s good to see you out. Everyone said you’d been training like crazy, though, you don’t want to push yourself too hard.”

“It’s no problem.” Dan put a smile on his face. The light look on Jenson’s face wavered, as he really took in the man in front of him. He knew he didn’t look his best, pasty skin and lank hair, the grazes on his hand only just beginning to heal. His hoodie was pulled up to hide as much as possible, and his sweats could’ve done with washing a few days ago. Definitely not his best.

“How are you holding up?”

“Er, fine. I’m doing better. Getting used to it.” Dan shrugged. “I was just getting some fresh air, so…” He started to walk away, hoping to make a break for it. He wasn’t expecting Jenson to smile.

“That sounds good! I’ll join you.” Jenson caught up, ignoring the way Dan’s face went dark. Dan sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I’m not - I’m not going anywhere specific.” He tried. “Just a walk.”

“My kind of walk.” Jenson replied cheerfully. “So, I bought this shirt the other day…”

Jenson kept up a torrent of conversation as they walked, none of which Dan listened to. He didn’t see the way Jenson looked at him, concerned. He couldn’t think through the white noise in his head, surprising himself when they ended up at the seafront. 

“Did you not mean to come here?” Jenson asked carefully. Dan shrugged. 

“I just… I guess I wasn’t really thinking.” He tried, gripping onto the rails. “It makes sense.”

“What does?”

“This was his favourite place. The sea.” Dan explained, more to himself than Jenson. “He’d always make sure his run took him by the sea. He’d always try and take me with him.”

“Jev?” Jenson asked. Dan didn’t hear him.

“He always wanted to jump in, said it’d be like flying.” Dan murmured, leaning over the rails a little. “I always told him no. He said he’d convince me one day. Guess he never did.” He tapped out a rhythm on the bars. “Maybe I should.”

“Should what?”

Dan didn’t answer, starting to step over the bars. Jenson grabbed him around the waist, pulling him back over. Dan blinked, looking at the terrified face in front of him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… I don’t know…”

“I think we need to go back.” Jenson said firmly, wrapping his arms around Dan. “Let’s get you back home.”

 

~*~

 

“He was going to jump into the sea! You need to look at his mental state Christian, this isn’t good.” Jenson was saying, and Dan could see that scared look on his face again. He didn’t know what there was to be scared about. “Christian, I seriously think he might try and harm himself. He’s just completely unaware of danger.”

Ah. They thought he was hurting himself in some way. That explains the look.

“Jenson, he’s passed every psych eval. He wants to race, unless I’ve seen something myself I can’t stop him from racing.”

“Christian.” It was now Seb’s turn to plead. “If he’s really that unaware, the last place he should be is a car. You need to be a hundred percent focused, and it doesn’t sound like he is. What if he does something stupid?”

“Like what?” Christian sounded fed up. “Do either of you really think he’ll crash on purpose?”

“No…”

“Then there’s nothing left to be said.” Christian walked away. Jenson made a noise, following him out of the motorhome. Dan backed down the corridor, that dull ache back in his chest. They all thought he was insane, that he was  _ dangerous. _ That he wasn’t coping. He was coping just fine. He wasn’t supposed to get back up the next day and pretend it never happened. He was allowed to have bad days. That day by the sea had just been a  _ bad day. _

“Dan?” Seb asked from behind him. Dan put on the best smile he can managed, turning round to face his team-mate. 

“Seb!” Dan exclaimed. “Ready to race? Gotta try and beat Lewis at his home crowd.”

“Sure.” Seb said, his eyes flickering. He was looking for a weakness, for a chink in the armour. “How are you doing?”

“Fine.” Dan nodded, wringing his hands together. “Doing okay.”

“You’d tell someone if you weren’t.”

“Course.” Dan grinned, bright and fake. “What do you take me for?”

Seb nodded, but didn’t look convinced. Dan could feel himself start to panic. “Look, I need to go. Media duties, bleh. You know how it is. So much to do, so little time. I’ll see you on the grid?”

“Sure.” Seb said, frowning. Dan turned, walking away quickly. He needed to get out of here, he needed to breath. He made it to the safety of his room, locking it and prising open the window. He gasped, shoving his head as far out of the window as possible. He could feel his heart returning to it’s normal beat, that emptiness returning once the panic faded. 

“What have you done to me?” Dan muttered, sinking onto the couch. “Why can’t you fix this?”

 

~*~

 

He felt himself being strapped into the car, helmet visor being lowered. He shook his hands, knowing they were trembling and trying to stop it, trying to hide it. His mechanics were shooting him looks, but he couldn’t focus on that. His heart was racing, the panic from earlier back. His mechanics dashed away, and he was putting his car into motion, swerving it to try and get temperature into the tyres. He blinked, trying to focus his eyes. He could feel his shallow breath, coming too quickly. He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be in this car. 

He slid into position, watching the lights turn on and off. He got away slowly, his hands groggy and his feet not working properly. He was losing place after place, watching cars disappear past him. He shouldn’t be here, he needed to get out. 

He fumbled with his straps a little, but there was curve after curve, he couldn’t take his hands off the wheel. His breath was coming too sharp, too fast. Memories of Jev were flying in his head, and  _ why wasn’t he here, he should be here, this should be him _ .

He was speeding down the national straight, and he could see Jev standing right in front of him, in the middle of the track. He tried to scream, to tell him to get out of the way. Jev didn’t move, just smiling at him. He braked, but he drove through him. Christian was on the radio, asking him questions that he didn’t hear. He could see Jev further round the corner, and he drove straight past him again, Jev disappearing like smoke. 

“You’re not real,  _ you’re not real, you’re not real.” _

_ “Why shouldn’t I be?” _ There was a whisper in his ear, and he closed his eyes quickly, wanting to hold onto that voice as long as possible. He’d wanted to hear it for so long. 

“You died.”

_ “Doesn’t mean I’m not real.” _

“You left me.” Dan knew he sounded broken. “You left me alone.”

_ “You just had to look for me.” _

Dan shook his head, trying to focus on the next corner. Someone was yelling in his ear, telling him to pit. He didn’t listen.

“Come back to me.”

_ “You know how to find me.” _

“I’m sorry.” Dan said, and the tears were coming again. “I’m sorry, I should’ve tried harder, I should’ve made you stay -”

_ “I made my decision.” _

“I’m sorry, I love you,  _ I love you -” _

_ “I love you too.” _

Dan’s eyes snapped open, trying to see through the tears. He was driving past the pits, lining up for the straight.  _ You know how to find me. I love you too. _

His heart slowed down, settling as he decided, split-second, warmth spreading through his chest. He smiled behind his helmet, taking his hands off the wheel, listening to the screams of the crowd as he drove straight at the barrier.

_ I’m coming. _

 

~*~

 

“Mr Ricciardo? Dan? Can you hear me?” A voice said above him. They sounded kind. “Do you know where you are?”

He tried to speak, but he couldn’t. His throat felt scratchy and raw. He blinked, the bright light softening a bit. He could hear a machine beeping in the distance. He shook his head.

“That’s okay, it is the first time you’ve woken up. We’ll leave the questions until when you’re ready to answer.” The woman came into view, smiling at him. “Would you like some water?”

He nodded, and she lifted a cup to his lips. It felt so good, soothing his burning throat. “Thanks.” He rasped. 

“I’m going to try the questions again, okay?” She waited until he nodded. “Do you know what year it is?”

“2014.”

“Good. And how old are you?”

“Twenty-five.”

“What do you last remember happening?” She asked, looking at him carefully. He remembered being on the plane to the UK, but anything that happened after was just… fuzzy.

“I was on a plane?” He guessed. “I think something happened after but… I don’t know what.”

“That’s fine.” She replied. “Mr Ricciardo, you were in a high speed accident. Your car drove into a barrier during the race at top speed. You’ve sustained some injuries, which will probably mean that you’ll have to miss the remainder of the season. You were concussed, and have sustained fractures in your right arm. You were incredibly lucky.”

Dan blinked, and the doctor continued to talk. Things about medication, physiotherapy. He was going to be out for the rest of the season?

“I know it’s a lot to process.” She said kindly. “I think some people are here to see you, do you want to see them?”

He shook his head. She nodded, leaving the room. He burrowed down into his covers, wincing when he moved his arm. An accident? He didn’t have accidents. He closed his eyes, trying to imagine driving down the straight, round the corners, what could’ve gone wrong?

“Dan?” 

“I said I didn’t want anyone.” Dan muttered. “Fuck off.”

“Dan, I talked to the mechanics.” Seb said, walking up to the bed. “What do you remember?”

“What’s it to you?” Dan snapped.

“They said you were crying, that you were talking to him.” Seb said plainly. “You were panicking, and screaming, and hallucinating apparently.”

“What, I…  _ what?” _

“They also think you crashed on purpose.” Seb was calm. How could he be calm right now? “Are they right?”

“I don’t know.” Dan whispered. “I don’t know.”

Seb nodded, sitting down. “Dan, if any of that is true, you need to get help. You’re not going to drive for the rest of the season, take the time. Don’t force yourself back too soon.”

“What if I am just crazy?”

“You’ve always been a little crazy.” Seb grinned. Dan smiled a little. It sounded like something… something that’d Jev would say.

“I’m scared. I don’t want to forget him. I can't forget him.”

“You never will.” Seb promised. He looked down at his watch, pulling a face. “I’ve got to go, they’ll miss me before too long. Take as long as you need, we’ll be waiting.”

Dan nodded, grabbing hold of Seb’s hand. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Seb dashed out of the room, and Dan was left alone with his thoughts once again. He could feel himself getting drowsy again, and as he fell asleep he heard words being repeated.

_ You know how to find me. I love you too. _

 

~*~

 

Dan stood at the edge of the water, watching the waves crash against the rock. He knew why Jev had always come down here now, it was a good place to think. He’d found himself coming down here more, rather than the graveyard. He did go and visit, once a week, but he didn’t let himself go more. If he really needed to get out of his head, to talk to thin air, or to someone not here, he came down to the sea instead.

He shivered, pulling his jacket further round him. It was a cold day, the spray of the sea not helping matters. He was supposed to be packing, Jerez round the corner, but he’d given up halfway through. He’d been jittery, and the last thing he needed was to be cooped up, bouncing off the walls. It was going to be the first time he was back in the car since Silverstone, and he was excited to get going, to be racing again. But he wasn’t sure what was going to happen once he was back in that seat, whether he’d run back into his mind again, panic. 

“You need to stop this.” He told himself, huffing. “Worrying now won’t do anything about it.”

_ Live in the moment _ .

“Fine for you to say.” He said under his breath. “You’re my mind with a dead man’s voice.”

_ Fuck you too. _

“Well, I do try.” Dan grinned. He’d told his therapist, about hearing Jev’s voice, and she wasn’t particularly thrilled. No-one should be, hearing voices. But they’d come to the conclusion it was a form of coping mechanism, that his mind was telling him how to look after himself, but with another voice. One he trusted above all else. He did try and keep the self-conversation to himself though.

He yawned, standing up. The packing wasn’t going to do itself, and the sea would still be here when he got back. His mind felt lighter, as he started the climb back up to the city. He could hear a familiar chuckle in his ears, and he grinned, a little laugh escaping. 

_ You stole my spot. _

“I’m sharing it.” Dan said lowly. “It helps.”

_ Good. _

“Good indeed.” Dan smiled. “Good indeed.”

He turned back, looking back down to the shore. He watched the waves move, and for the first time in months, he felt at peace.

_ Take your time. _

“I’ll take the long road.” Dan said quietly. “There’s a little bit to enjoy yet.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry for the amount of angst lately! This has been stuck in my head for weeks now, just needed to get it out I guess. Happier stuff on the way soon, I promise!
> 
> As usual, crossposted to my tumblr (charanteleclerc). Prompts are also always open! Thank you for reading ❤️


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